Diary of an Insomniac – Thank God For Jose Mourinho, The Daily Politics Show and Wenger for Prime Minister.

By Bilal Zaidi

It’s been 72 hours without proper sleep...I feel erratic and bored to death with life....I’m ready to blow and my fist is quenching for a wall or a face...If I watch too much TV my eyes water...if I look at the laptop screen too long they water some more...I’m still bleeding from my nose like gash...I have spent the last 72 hours in torture with this hypnotising existence. I attempted to read lecture notes but felt the angle of my eyelids change...a magazine just made me dizzee like rascal...Lauren Hill on the iPod was sounding like a George Bush speech...the sanitary towel still hangs loose across my head like a head brace... AND THEN I FOUND HOPE...finally entertainment at it’s best...right now anything will do.

Arsene Wenger REFUSING TO GET SENT OFF last night was one of the funniest things I have ever seen. He stood there like a misbehaved child that had been told off in school but refused to budge...like the teacher told him to stand in the corner and he simply replied “NO” with a blank face ad blinky eyes...his face was silent and stood still like time had stopped.

And then I woke up from my 3 hour vigil of my bedroom to see Jose Mourinho issuing a “come and get me plea” to the FA. What marvellous entertainment once again...I have never been the hugest fan of “the special one”...probably because he was the Chelsea manager...but I can imagine myself liking him as the England coach. He can’t buy a Drogba or Essien but he would have JT, Gerrard and Rooney to fondle with. To see him say to the FA “if you want me come and get me” is pure Jose Mourinho....he wants to feed his ego even more and then decide whether to turn the job down....what a legend...life would be a lot more interesting if Mourinho was the England manager.

And then the “Daily Politics Show”...with prime ministers questions at Noon...This was a real treat...someone called the prime minister “Stalin turned into Mr. Bean” and the whole house erupted and the “HEEER HEEERs” kept coming out. WE PAY FOR THEM TO TAKE THE PISS OUT OF EACHOTHER ON A DAILY BASIS....sounds like my kind of job. I can’t believe the UK is run by a complete bunch of kids dressed in suits and posh ties and fake wigs and comb over’s....I can finally go to sleep knowing I am in great hands for the future. Arsene Wenger for prime minister.